If you have an insatiable fondness for the offbeat, the preposterous or the outlandish, then this is where you will find them… in the Bizarre Movie Zone.
Since I began my movie rating list in 1979 I have seen a total of fourteen movies upon which I have bestowed a “zero star” rating. These are movies so wretched they are utterly worthless. They are the worst films I have ever seen in my life and I thought it appropriate to end this issue, which began with my favorite films, by noting the worst ones as well. These travesties are listed in the same order in which I originally saw them (since 1979).
Malibu High (1979) 0 Stars
Inane trash about a high schooler who seduces her teachers to avoid flunking, then turns to prostitution and eventually becomes a professional hitwoman! Amateurish and stupid, even for this kind of drive-in fodder.
Shogun Assassin (1980) 0 Stars
Cult hit, edited from two Lone Wolf and Cub samurai films is ultra-violent, mind-bending nonsense. I might like it now but at the time I was completely disgusted by the high level of blood-letting and pretentious poeticism.
Mother’s Day (1980) 0 Stars
Absolutely repellent horror flick about three young women tortured by two country bumpkins and their crazy, murderous mother. This is about as sick and twisted as a movie can be in mainstream theatres.
Maniac (1980) 0 Stars
Yet another repellent horror film. Joe Spinell is actually considered to be solid as a serial killer killing New York City women because he was brutalized as a child. This cult film has its fans but I am not one of them; it’s very deranged.
Neutron vs. the Maniac (1964) 0 Stars
Ridiculous Mexican wrestling superhero film involving Neutron plus a bad nightclub singer whose sister is brutally murdered, lots of boring scenes of exposition, dull mystery and the mob. Absolutely awful; possibly the worst ever.
The Creeping Terror (1964) 0 Stars
Laughable, unfrightening horror film defines the term “amateurish” on every level. The soundtrack was lost, so it is narrated, badly, reinforcing every mundane visual moment. Truly one of the worst movies ever made.
Multiple Maniacs (1970) 0 Stars
John Waters’ most audacious movie (that I’ve seen) is an allegory about religion surrounded by a crazy story about kidnappers, traveling sideshow performers and a giant lobster named Lobstora. This movie is nuts.
Deadly Sanctuary (1969) 0 Stars
Better known as Justine, this Marquis de Sade story is both disturbing and boring. With Klaus Kinski as de Sade, that is probably understandable. Jack Palance makes an appearance that is as weird as you’ll ever see.
Sonny Boy (1990) 0 Stars
If you’ve ever wished to see David Carradine play an entire role in drag, this is the film for you. It’s about a really dysfunctional family, and it’s a really dysfunctional movie.
The Scout (1994) 0 Stars
Awful baseball film with Albert Brooks as a dour scout who signs phenom pitcher Brendan Fraser to pitch for the Yankees. Fraser’s character is unstable and so is this film, which is totally misguided and stupid.
Don’t Mess With My Sister! (1985) 0 Stars
Extremely dull, dishwater tale of a meek accountant threatened by his wife’s family when he begins to consider leaving his wife for the belly dancer to which she introduced him. The best thing about this movie is its title.
The Canon Operation (1977) 0 Stars
Monotonous South Korean-made garbage involving an American POW during the Korean War that the Communists are trying to find and kill. Badly produced, this movie is worthless in every respect.
Wet Hot American Summer (2001) 0 Stars
Zany camp movie, circa 1981, isn’t clever or funny to my way of thinking. Has become a cult favorite due to its cast (Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, Paul Rudd, Molly Shannon, Christopher Meloni), but I hated it.
Maniac (1934) 0 Stars
What is it about movies with “maniac” in their titles? This piece of celluloid insanity mixes a Frankensteinesque story with Edgar Allan Poe’s The Black Cat with atrocious results. It’s incoherent, immature and idiotic.