(The Bizarre Movie Zone had its origin in this one-page article I wrote back in 2003.)

I have made a point in Filmbobbery to promote good films often and whenever possible.  The whole idea behind this newsletter is to celebrate movies and performers that deserve the attention, and I will continue this policy forever.

But let’s face it, sometimes you just want to watch something stupid.  I know I do.

The vast majority of movies are average, or just above or just below average.  There are as few really, really, really bad movies as there are excellent ones.  I’m referring to the ones that are jaw-droppingly awful, the ones that make you believe that anyone else could make a better movie.  Over a single weekend.  While hung over.

I love movies and I freely admit that I love bad movies with just as much passion, or more than some really great movies.  How many times can you watch Schindler’s List or Hamlet?  But Robot Monster?  Over and over again… maybe.

I have hosted and attended many “bad movie nights” in my time, often all-night affairs where the goal is to stay awake through four or five cinematic turkeys, and I usually have.  With that in mind, I wish to nominated five of the worst — but funniest (after all, who wants to spend their time watching bad movies that aren’t entertaining?) — movies you could possibly imagine.  Watch these at your own risk, but take my word for it, they can be pretty darned entertaining.

 

The Mangler  (1995)  ✪

Combine a Stephen King story, a director the caliber of Tobe Hooper (the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre) and the star of the Nightmare on Elm Street series (Robert Englund) and what do you get?  One of the stupidest movies ever made.

The Mangler of the title is a commercial steam iron and folding machine.  That’s right, a stationary steam iron.  People who get too close to it get steam cleaned and folded to death.  The horror scenes are as lame as they come, but things pick up tremendously when a detective (Ted Levine) realizes that the machine is possessed by a demon and attempts to exorcise it.

There is a Mangler 2 (2001), but I’ve never been able to persuade myself to rent it. At least not until I host another bad movie night.

 

Super Seal  (1976)  ✪

I saw this once, years and years ago, yet have never been able to forget it.  It’s a family film about an adopted seal trying to find its way back home, helped by people like Foster Brooks (doing his drunk act; he lets the seal drive his car) and Sterling Holloway (whose voice graces many Disney movies).

There’s an idiotic song based on colors:  “It’s a green grassy morning, a blue sky kind of a day, sunbeams in yellow, pushing clouds of gray away,” that I have never been able to push from my mind and have given up the hope of ever doing so.

 

Safe at Home!  (1962)  ✪

“Mickey Mantle!”  “Roger Maris!”  That phrase comprises a great deal of the dialogue in this family comedy about a kid who brags that he knows the Yankee sluggers, then is asked to prove it.  Mantle and Maris display absolutely no acting talent whatsoever and two other Yankees (Whitey Ford, Ralph Houk) fare little better.

This stinker is pretty dull compared to other godawful baseball films (Matt LeBlanc’s Ed, where he is teamed with a ballplaying monkey, or the Bad News Bears ripoff Here Come the Tigers, for instance), but what other baseball movie can boast M & M?

 

Beyond the Poseidon Adventure  (1979)  ✪

Most disaster films are not very good to begin with, but the bottom of the barrel must be this insipid sequel in which the sinking Poseidon is boarded by two separate salvage crews after gold and plutonium.  The bad taste of the story (people are dying but the salvagers don’t really care) is offset by the first-rate cast’s tenth-rate performances.  Michael Caine, then the worst actor in Hollywood, is joined by Telly Savalas, Shirley Jones, Karl Malden, Sally Field, Peter Boyle, Slim Pickens, Shirley Knight, Jack Warden, Veronica Hamel, Mark Harmon and Angela Cartwright. Producer Irwin Allen actually directed this one himself, which may explain its terrible quality.

 

Plan 9 from Outer Space  (1959)  ✪

What bad movie night would be complete without an Ed Wood opus?  To set the record straight, there have been a few directors demonstrably worse than Ed Wood, but Wood’s films are so insanely stupid that they cry out for attention.  For sheer incredibility, Glen or Glenda (1953) is even crazier than Plan 9, but there’s something to be said for the combination of Bela Lugosi, a guy impersonating Bela Lugosi, Criswell, Tor Johnson, Vampira and pie tins masquerading as flying saucers.

Filled with immortal dialogue (“Greetings, my friends.  We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.  And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”) and hilarious special effects (watch for the UFOs to catch fire), this is funny stuff.

 

There are many, many other turkeys to watch over the Thanksgiving holidays, if you feel the need to do so.  Christmas classics include Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t, which are now both available on DVD.  I would have added one or both of these to the list, but I didn’t want to spoil anyone’s holiday cheer.  Then again, why not?  Celebrate these turkeys at Christmas!