I should have known better.  I really should have.  But the artwork caught my attention and I’m a sucker for any movie about killer sharks.  But once I saw that this movie was produced by The Asylum, purveyors of cinematic poop, I really should have known better.  It’s awful.  The film’s poster shows a shark closing in on a submarine; there’s no such sub in the film.  And now I find that it’s a sequel to a 2018 film simply titled Megalodon, and I’m going to have to watch that one, too.

Brian Nowak’s film posits that a Chinese spy ship uses some sort of laser beam to hack into and intercept secret U. S. satellite transmissions near San Diego.  Problem is, the emanations of the beam attract sharks.  Not just any sharks, but giant, predatory megalodon sharks, considered by just about everybody to be extinct.  A U. S. Navy ship, under the patriotic leadership of Captain Lynch (Wynter Eddins) is tasked with stopping the Chinese, and their approaching armada, as well as a trio of megalodons which are heading for the San Diego beach area.  And while the Navy brass in Washington dithers, Lynch takes advise from Commander Moore (Tom Sizemore), the only person who believes that her sister was killed by a megalodon (evidently in the first movie).

I don’t hate the complicated premise, but the director sure seems to.  The sharks, which ought to be the film’s centerpiece, are onscreen for maybe ten of the films eighty-three minute running time.  They are awful CGI monstrosities that wouldn’t be convincing to a toddler.  Moreover, the Navy gunners are constantly firing at them with their big guns, usually missing them — underwater.  Yes, somehow the spotter can somehow tell whether the sharks, fathoms below the surface, are hit or not, and how badly.  When the giant sharks do surface, they run into and chew on the huge steel ships (!), eventually sinking most of them.  In fact, the Navy ship, presumably a destroyer (?), seems to be run by about six crew members, most of whom never leave the bridge.  Half of the movie takes place on that crowded bridge, as the captain and her staff interminably discuss the situation, the importance of following orders and not wanting to start a war with the Chinese.  Like a great many amateurish movies these people don’t speak like regular people; they constantly pause dramatically and refuse to blink when the camera is on them.  It’s probably not the actors’ fault; the direction is terrible.

Why would I waste my time on this crap, you might ask.  Good question.  I have told my wife repeatedly that one cannot truly appreciate the really good movies without having experienced the really bad ones.  Compared to this junk, The Meg (2018, with Jason Statham), which was really not very good, looks like an Oscar contender.  And a truly good movie like Jaws seems like manna from heaven.  How is it that something this bad can be produced?  The Asylum specializes in this putrid material, and they should be ashamed.  Tom Sizemore should be embarrassed.  Only a couple of laughs keep this from being a total waste of time.  1/2.  4 February 2022.